Crime Takes a Holiday/Transcript

Transcript for Crime Takes a Holiday
Narrator: It’s a typical morning at the secret warehouse lair of the evil Dr. Two-Brains.

(Scene: Dr. Two-Brains’ lair. Two-Brains is sitting at a desk going through mail.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Bill… bill… junk mail… bill… (stops) Woo! What’s this? Winner? Ha-ha! I won! I WON!

(His henchmen run over.)

Unnamed henchman: What’’s going on, boss?

Dr. Two-Brains: Listen to this! (reading) “Dear Dr. Two-Brains, congratulations! You have won an all-expenses paid weeklong cheese-themed cruise from Dairy Villain’s Monthly!” I WON!

Unnamed henchman: Wow, that’s great!

Dr. Two-Brains: If I’m gonna be gone a whole week, I really should find a replacement.

Unnamed henchman: A replacement?

Dr. Two-Brains: A substitute! A temporary Two-Brains to do my job while I’m away! Supervillainy’s a tough racket. You leave for a week, and boom, you just lost your place on the ten most-wanted list!

Unnamed henchman: Ooh!

Dr. Two-Brains: We’ll hold open auditions! You know, tryouts!

Unnamed henchman: Okay, boss!

Dr. Two-Brains: You’re going to have to take orders from whomever I choose as my replacement, okay? As soon as that replacement puts on this lab coat, you listen to them and only them, you got it?

Unnamed henchman: Got it!

Dr. Two-Brains: Good! Now, go put the word out. I’m looking for just the right person to play the evil, sinister, and handsome Dr. Two-Brains! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

(Scene: Two-Brains’ lair, later on, in the middle of auditions. Two-Brains looks exhausted.)

Whammer: Yeah! The Whammer has TWO brains now! And he’s gonna wham you with TWO brains! YEAH!

Dr. Two-Brains: Okay, okay, I’m gonna stop you there. Not what we’re looking for, and thanks for coming.

Whammer: Aww, whammer! (walks off dejected)

Dr. Two-Brains: Ugh…

Unnamed henchman: That was the last one, boss.

Dr. Two-Brains: Great. Fifty-six auditions and not one person good enough to be my replacement. Oh, what am I gonna do?

(The door opens and closes, and someone walks in.)

Glen: Am I late? Oh my gosh! That’s the actual goop ray! I’m freaking out!

Dr. Two-Brains: Uh, hi. And, you are… ?

Glen: Hi, my name is Glen Furlblam, and I’m seriously your number one fan!

Dr. Two-Brains: Oh, well isn’t this a treat?

Glen: I’m here to audition for the role of… (deep breath) ...Dr. Two-Brains! Yeah!

Dr. Two-Brains: So tell me, Glen, why do you deserve to be the temporary Dr. Two-Brains?

Glen: Well, first of all I know everything about you.

Dr. Two-Brains: Mhm, that’s a good start.

Glen: Yeah, I could totally step in and do everything that you do!

Dr. Two-Brains: (laughs) Well, not everything Glen, but I like your attitude!

Glen: I-- I can even make a few improvements!

Dr. Two-Brains: (glares at him) Improvements?

Glen: Yeah! Like your whole cheese crime thing. I mean, come on! Makes your crimes so obvious. No wonder you always get caught!

Dr. Two-Brains: (a mild laugh) Okay, uh, listen Glen, I’m not--

Glen: I mean, why not steal other stuff too, huh? Mice like other stuff.

Dr. Two-Brains: Right. You know Glen, I don’t think you’re exactly the replacement I was looking for, but hey, thanks for coming down to the lair!

Glen: (hyperventilating) No! That’s ridiculous! Is it because you feel threatened ‘cause my ideas are so much better than yours? Huh?

Dr. Two-Brains: Wa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, brother! The worst audition of the day, and he’s gloating about it! Ha! Uh, the answer’s no, kid. Now get lost!

Glen: No! I’m the new Dr. Two-Brains! I’m even ready to move into your lair! See? (Holds up a tote bag.) I brought a change of clothes, and my-- my pet cats… (He opens the door of a cat carrier sitting beside him, and five pairs or angry eyes stare at Two-Brains from the dark.)

Dr. Two-Brains: (panicking) You have pet cats?! Cats hate mice!

(The cats all leap out at once, and Two-Brains climbs on top of his goop ray to get away from them. The jump up onto his back, and cause his lab coat to slide off of him. Glen watches as it floats to the ground.)

Glen: (gasps) The lab coat! (He picks it up and puts it on.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Henchmen! Clear these cats out of here!

Unnamed henchman: But he’s wearin’ the lab coat!

Dr. Two-Brains: So??

Unnamed henchman: So, you said as soon as the replacement puts on the lab coat, we should listen to them and only them. (Charlie, the other henchman, nods in agreement.)

Dr. Two-Brains: No, I meant after I left! I’m still your boss!

Glen: I’m wearing the lab coat, and I say he’s not your boss anymore! I am!

Unnamed henchman: Okay, new boss. Sorry, old boss.

Dr. Two-Brains: No-ho-ho!

Glen: Looks like there’s a new Dr. Two-Brains in town! Wa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

(Scene: The Botsford house)

Narrator: Later, across town, young Becky Botsford a.k.a. WordGirl is working on her science fair project.

Becky: I know it’s a lot of work, Bob, but as long as there isn’t any crime to fight, we should finish just in time for the science fair.

(Bob chatters at her.)

Becky: A homemade bookbinding machine is TOO a winning idea!

(Scoops comes by.)

Scoops: Becky, big news! (notices her project) Wait, what’s that?

Becky: My science fair project! A brilliant idea if I do say so myself!

(Bob chatters at her.)

Becky: I am not gloating! Uh, what’s up Scoops?

Scoops: Oh, I heard Dr. Two-Brains’ henchmen were spotted down at City Hall. Want to come and investigate with me?

Becky: Uh, I’d love to Scoops, but I have to, uh, work on my project! (winks at Bob)

Scoops: Oh! Not sure why you’re talking like that, but whatever. See ya!

Becky: Come on, Bob! Our bookbinding machine will have to wait! Word UP!

(Scene: Outside City Hall. A giant statue of Dr. Two-Brains stands nearby, with the henchmen standing below it and a crowd of people gathered. WordGirl and Huggy arrive.)

WordGirl: Hold it right there, you too! Care to explain what’s going on here?

Unnamed henchman: We’re building a giant Dr. Two-Brains statue.

WordGirl: Oh-- so, it’s just a big statue of Dr. Two-Brains?

Unnamed henchman: Yep. Pretty much.

WordGirl: Well-- at least, it’s made out of cheese, right?

Unnamed henchman: Nuh-uh. Of paint!

WordGIrl: Ok, if you guys aren’t going to commit a crime, then I’m gonna take off. I’ve got a science fair to wi-- I mean, uh, justice to deliver! Come on, Huggy!

Narrator: The next morning, back at Dr. Two-Brains’ secret lair…

(Scene: Inside the lair. The cats are sleeping on the floor beneath the goop ray. Two-Brains, who has been trapped on top of the device all night, tries to climb down quietly, but he steps on a squeaky toy, waking up the cats. He fights them off and ends up back on top of the ray.)

Glen: Did you see the morning paper? We made the front page! (Tosses the paper up to Two-Brains.)

Dr. Two-Brains: “A statue made of paint. Is Two-Brains losing both of his minds?” Ohh, this is terrible! The public thinks I’m losing it!

Glen: Huh. They just don’t understand my genius! They’ll see. My next plan is even more brilliant than the last one!

Dr. Two-Brains: You’re gloating? You didn’t even commit a crime, and you’re gloating? Listen Glen, I’m begging you. Whatever you do next, just make it an actual crime this time, huh? Please? My reputation is at stake here!

Narrator: Later that afternoon, jogging to the hardware store…

Becky: Come on, guys!

Scoops: Why are we running?

Becky: The science fair is tomorrow, and I need to find a hundred gallons of bookbinding glue in order to finish my machine!

Scoops: A hundred gallons? That’s a lot!

(Bob stops and chatters.)

Becky: What’s wrong, Bob?

(Scoops spots a van parked outside the grocery store.)

Scoops: (gasps) That’s Dr. Two-Brains’ logo! Hmm, I smell a story! You guys comin’?

Becky: Uh, no, we’re going to look for the-- uh, the glue! Yeah.

Scoops: Hah! Good luck finding enough.

Becky: Come on, Huggy! Two-Brains might be up to no good! Word UP!

(Scene: inside the grocery store. The henchmen are putting up a sign picturing a piece of cheese with a red line through it, and Scoops is watching from behind the Snappy Snaps counter. WordGirl and Huggy arrive.)

WordGirl: Hold it right there, henchies!

Unnamed henchman: Ooh, a nickname!

WordGirl: I thought I’d-- mix things up a little. Now, care to explain what you’re up to? Or should I just let you tell it to judge?

Unnamed henchman: Okay, see, first we put up these signs, then we buy the cheese on sale and save lots of money. WordGirl: You’re kidding, right?

Unnamed henchman: Nope.

WordGirl: It’s just a terrible idea!

Unnamed henchman: (sadly) Ohhh...

Glen: (off scene) Correction, it’s a spectacular idea, WordGirl!

(Glen appears behind her, wearing a loosely-fitting Dr. Two-Brains mask.)

WordGirl: Uh, and you are?

Glen: It is I, the evil Dr. Two-Brains! And I will be getting high-quality cheese at low, low prices! Nobody is more evil than I am! Nobody!

WordGirl: You know, I have to say your gloating is usually a lot more convincing.

Glen: I wasn’t gloating! I’m not even hungry!

WordGirl: Do you know what gloating means?

Glen: Uh, sure I do. It’s, uh-- when you, uh, ha-ha-ha…

WordGirl: Brag or boast that you’re better than someone?

Glen: Correct! That’s exactly what it means! Well defined!

WordGirl: Right. Whoever you are!

Glen: What? You doubt that I am the great and evil and, uh, great... Dr. Two-Brains? (He holds up a ray gun.) Here! Have some melty cheese!

WordGirl: You mean fondue?

Glen: Ohh, that’s what it’s called!

(She zips over next to him.)

Glen: Whoa! Run away!

(He drops the gun, and it fires fondue on the floor in front of WordGirl. She slips on it, and Glen and the henchmen run out of the store.)

WordGirl: Okay. I’m not sure who that guy is, but he’s not Dr. Two-Brains! (She splashes the puddle of cheese, covering Huggy in it.) Let’s follow them!

Narrator: Meanwhile, back at the secret lair…

Glen: Ha-ha-ha! I am the greatest! You should have seen me! I was incredible! First, I totally had an amazing plan to get a lot of cheese, and then WordGirl showed up, and we had a big argument where I was totally brilliant! And then she attacked me, but I escaped! You never get away from WordGirl! But I did! I rule! Ha-ha-ha!

Dr. Two-Brains: Yeah, go easy on the gloating there, kid, she’ll catch you eventually, believe me.

Glen: Not true! I’m the best Dr. Two-Brains of all time! And now to plan my next ingenious crime, here in my top-secret lair!

(WordGirl flies in and lands behind them.)

WordGirl: Not so secret anymore, whoever you are!

Glen: Whoever I am? What’s wrong WordGirl? Confused by your own eyes?

(WordGirl sees Two-Brains still clinging to the top of the goop ray.)

Glen: Hmm! What you see before you is an impossible riddle! Which is the real Dr. Two-Brains?

WordGirl: He’s real, you’re the replacement.

Glen: Re-- re--

WordGirl: Replacement. It means that you’re the substitute for the real Dr. Two-Brains.

Glen: Oh. Well, how could you tell?

WordGirl: You’re kidding, right? That mask is horrible!

Dr. Two-Brains: See? (To WordGirl) His name is Glen. He’s my number one fan.

Glen: (taking off the mask) So, nobody think I’m a good replacement, huh? Well, how would you feel if this evil genius turned you all into a pile of goop? (He presses some buttons on the goop ray.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Oh no! WordGirl! The goop ray! Stop it!

WordGirl: This isn’t good! Huggy, go!

(Huggy leaps at Glen, knocking him down. But the ray has reached full power, and blasts its ray toward WordGirl and the henchmen. When it dies out, she is still standing there.)

WordGirl: Huh! We’re all fine! Nothing got gooped!

Dr. Two-Brains: (gasps) My giant vat!

(She looks behind her and sees that a giant vat has been melted into goop.)

WordGirl: What was in it?

Dr. Two-Brains: Goop!

WordGirl: Wait-- so all Glen did was turn a vat of goop into more goop? (thinking) Hey, you think that stuff would bind books?

Dr. Two-Brains: It might. It’s all-purpose goop!

WordGirl: Great! Start shoveling, Huggy!

(Huggy has already tied Glen up to a box.)

Narrator: And so, the city is safe from not only the evil Dr. Two-Brains, but also his not-so-great replacement Glen. And Becky Botsford has the materials she needs to finish her science fair project! All is well.

(We see scenes of Two-Brains on his cruise, Glen Furlblam in jail, and Becky being passed over for a science fair award, which was given to Scoops for his volcano project.)

Narrator: This is your narrator, the greatest narrator in the history of animated television, better than everyone else, saying goodbye.

Becky: Easy on the gloating there, mister!

Narrator: Umm! Of course. Uh, join us next time for another action-packed episode of-- WordGirl!