Big Baby/Transcript

IT'S A LOVELY WEEKEND MORNING IN OUR FAIR CITY. NOT THAT CERTAIN PEOPLE WOULD KNOW.

On the T.V. Pretty Princess says AND NOW WITH MY DIAMOND EDITION FLYING FLOWER FAIRY, WITH MAGIC SPARKLE WAND, YOU TOO CAN SPREAD A SPARKLE WAVE OF A MILLION SMILES WHEREVER YOU GO.

A T.V. announcer says SMILES NOT GUARANTEED.

Becky exclaims I WANT IT, I WANT IT, I WANT IT, I WANT IT, I WANT IT.

She runs to den. Mrs. Botsford is vacuuming

Becky says MOM, I'M A PRETTY GOOD KID, RIGHT?

Mrs. Botsford stops the vacuum and says PRETTY DARN GOOD, I'D SAY.

Becky says GOOD ENOUGH FOR, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE A LIMITED EDITION PRETTY PRINCESS FLYING FLOWER FAIRY WITH MAGIC SPARKLE WAND?

Mrs. Botsford says ABSOLUTELY. IF YOU WANT, YOU CAN PUT IT ON YOUR BIRTHDAY LIST.

Becky whines OH, BUT I CAN'T WAIT 'TIL MY BIRTHDAY.

Mrs. Botsford says WELL, IF YOU WANT IT SOONER, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO EARN SOME MONEY AND BUY IT YOURSELF.

Becky says BUT WHO'S GOING TO HIRE ME? I'M NOT EVEN OLD ENOUGH TO BABYSIT YET.

Bob raises his hands and squeaks

Becky says OH, HIRE MEANS TO PAY SOMEONE TO DO A JOB. LIKE THE CITY HIRED MOM TO BE THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY.

Mrs. Botsford laughs and says OH, GUILTY AS CHARGED. I AM PROUD.

Becky says AND IF MOM PAID ME A DOLLAR AN HOUR TO CHAT WITH HER WHILE SHE DID HER CHORES, SHE'D BE HIRING ME.

She hangs her head and heads towards the door

Mrs. Botsford says NICE TRY. YOU ARE OLD ENOUGH TO BABYSIT FOR PLANTS, THOUGH.

Becky turns around and says WAIT, REALLY?

Mrs. Botsford says YUP. Mr. NEWMAN NEXT DOOR IS LOOKING FOR A RESPONSIBLE PERSON TO WATER HIS PLANTS WHILE HE'S AWAY.

Becky says I'LL DO IT. I MEAN, IT DOESN'T EXACTLY TAKE A MAGIC FLOWER FAIRY TO BABYSIT A BUNCH OF PLANTS, RIGHT?

The Narrator says MEANWHILE, IN A CERTAIN SKYSCRAPER LAIR ACROSS TOWN, Mr. BIG IS THINKING LITTLE?

The image changes to Mr. Big sitting in his office. He wears a purple mask, charcoal suit with a light green shirt and green tie. Leslie in her red suit vacuums the office.

Mr. Big says YOU EVER NOTICE HOW CUTE BABY THINGS ARE? WELL, I DID, BECAUSE I'M SMART AND I NOTICE THINGS. I WAS AT THE BABY ANIMAL PETTING ZOO THE OTHER DAY. WHY THE EFFECT BABIES HAVE ON PEOPLE IS ALMOST CRIMINAL.

An image flashes of Mr. Big visiting the zoo and watching a baby alligator

The crowd says AWW!

Back in the office, Mr. Big holds up a purple rattle and says HENCE THE BIG BABY BUYING MIND CONTROL MACHINE. BECAUSE I ALWAYS SAY, ALMOST ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH. MWAH-HA-HA!

He opens up a window in his office and says OKAY, YOU SEE THAT UGLY OLD MUTT DOWN THERE?

Leslie says YES. [panting]

Down below sits a small brown dog with a unibrow tied up to a fire hydrant

The dog pants. A young girl walking by says EUW!

Mr. Big shakes his rattle. A blast of green light hits the dog. It smiles as now wears a pink bow on its head.

A crowd of people gather around and says AWW!

Leslie says OH, HE'S A BABY.

Mr. Big shakes the rattle again. The dog turns back into its old form

The crowd says HUH?

They walk away

Leslie says NOW HE'S NOT. CONGRATULATIONS, SIR.

Mr. Big says THIS IS JUST PHASE ONE OF MY GREATEST EVIL SCHEME YET.

Leslie walks back to the vacuum and says AND WHAT'S PHASE TWO, SIR?

Mr. Big says OH, OH, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE PHASE TWO. I LOVE PHASE TWO. I LOVE IT SO MUCH I WANNA MARRY IT. AND YOU KNOW WHY I WANT TO MARRY IT? WELL, I'M JUST OLD-FASHIONED, I GUESS. HA HA! LET'S GET TO WORK.

Leslie says ACTUALLY, SIR, I JUST NOTICED MY GRANDMOTHER NEEDS HELP LOADING THAT SOFA INTO HER TRUCK ACROSS THE STREET. I THOUGHT I'D GIVE HER A HAND.

An image flashes of an old woman struggling to load a giant couch into a truck

Mr. Big says OH, WELL ALL RIGHT, BUT DON'T MAKE A HABIT OF IT. IF I WANTED A GRANNY HELPER, I WOULD HAVE HIRED ONE.

Leslie says THANK YOU, SIR.

She walks out

Mr. Big says NOW I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF, AS USUAL. OH!

Mr. Big shakes the rattle. A green burst of light hits him as he falls to the floor

He cries WAH... WAH! LESLIE, LESLIE! WAAAAH!

The scene changes to Becky inside of Mr. Newman’s house. She is looking at a chia pet of a t-rex

Becky asks SO THIS IS IT? JUST THE ONE PLANT?

Mr. Newman says THAT'S NOT A PLANT, THAT'S REX.

He has long dark hair, a full beard, and a thick unibrow that covers his eyes. He wears a green robe over a pink floral shirt

Becky says OH, HI, REX.

Mr. Newman says HEY, TAKE IT EASY. HE CAN HEAR YOU JUST FINE FROM RIGHT THERE. NOW, REX LIKES A GOOD DRINK ONCE A DAY.

Becky says OH, DON'T WORRY, I WON'T LET HIM GET DEHYDRATED.

Mr. Newman says DEWHAT NOW?

Becky says I WON'T LET HIM GET DEHYDRATED.

Mr. Newman says DEWHICH ONE?

Becky repeats DEHYDRATED?

Mr. Newman says DEWHO'D YOU SAY?

Becky says DEHYDRATED.

Mr. Newman says DEHOW'S THAT?

Becky looks confused and says DEHYDRATED.

Mr. Newman says DE... WHAT?

Becky says DEHYDRATED.

Mr. Newman says DEWHICH ONE WAS THAT?

Becky says DEHYDRATED.

Mr. Newman says DEWHAT'D YOU SAY?

Becky says DEHYDRATED. IT MEANS LOW ON WATER. LIKE IF YOU SWEAT A LOT WHEN YOU EXERCISE, YOU NEED TO HYDRATE BY DRINKING SOME WATER. OTHERWISE YOU'LL GET DEHYDRATED.

Mr. Newman says OH.

Becky says SPEAKING OF EXERCISE, DO YOU WANT ME TO WALK HIM OR ANYTHING?

Mr. Newman says OF COURSE NOT. ARE YOU SURE YOU'VE DONE THIS BEFORE?

He carries a surfboard and walks out of the house

Becky says EASIEST JOB EVER.

The scene changes to the baby Mr. Big walking on the sidewalk. He carries a stuffed pink rabbit

Baby Mr. Big cries WAAH! LESLIE!

The crowd says AWW!

Baby Mr. Big says HEY, HEY CUT IT OUT, COME ON!

The crowd goes AWW!

Baby Mr. Big laughs HA HA! I'M TICKLISH. HA HA! HEY, I'M WARNING YOU, I'M GETTING VERY CRANKY.

He cries WAH! WAAAAAH! LESLIE, HELP ME! HELP ME! I'M IMPOSSIBLY CUTE. WAAAH!

Leslie helps her grandmother load the couch onto the truck.

She walks over to Mr. Big and picks him up. Leslie says OH, SIR. OH, YOU ADORABLE LITTLE MUNCHKIN. OH, I WANT TO EAT YOU UP.

Baby Mr. Big says OH, GOOD GRIEF! YOU TOO?

Leslie says OH, SORRY, SIR. IT'S JUST YOU ARE SO ADORABLE.

Mr. Big says NOW, GET ME BACK TO THE OFFICE AND FIX ME. GO ON!

Leslie says GET UP ON LESLIE'S SHOULDERS. PIGGY BACK RIDE. UP, UP.

He climbs onto Leslie’s shoulders

Baby Mr. Big covers Leslie’s eyes and says HA HA! GIDDY UP. GIDDY UP. GIDDY UP. WEE!

Leslie says NOW, SIR, MOMMY LESLIE NEEDS TO SEE.

Baby Mr. Big says HORSEY!

A balloon salesman carrying silver bunny balloons says OH, WHAT AN ADORABLE BABY. HERE, HAVE SOME FREE BALLOONS.

He hands two balloons to Leslie

Baby Mr. Big says OOH, SHINY.

Balloon Salesman says AND HERE'S A CARRIAGE. NOPE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ME. JUST DON'T ASK ME WHERE I GOT IT. HA HA. TOODLE-OO.

Baby Mr. Big says DID YOU SEE THAT? HE COULDN'T EVEN LET US PAY. HE GAVE US ALL THIS STUFF BECAUSE I'M SO CUTE.

Leslie says YOU KNOW, SIR, YOU'RE SO CUTE, YOU COULD BE PHASE TWO OF YOUR EVIL PLAN.

Baby Mr. Big says WAIT A MINUTE, I COULD BE PHASE TWO OF MY OWN EVIL PLAN. I AM AN EVIL BABY GENIUS.

He laughs HA HA!

A man walks by holding a disco ball

Mr. Big says OOH, SHINY. QUICK, TAKE ME TO THE PARK.

Leslie says FOR PHASE TWO, SIR?

Baby Mr. Big says OH YEAH, WHAT? OH YEAH, PHASE TWO, SURE.

The Narrator says LATER...

Baby Mr. Big and Leslie are in the park

An old lady plays with Baby Mr. Big in his carriage

She says AWW!

Baby Mr. Big says OOH. OOH, SHINY.

He grabs her golden necklace and says GOT IT, LET'S GO.

The old lady walks away

Leslie says SIR, PERHAPS YOU COULD TELL ME MORE ABOUT PHASE TWO OF YOUR EVIL PLAN?

Baby Mr. Big says RIGHT. PHASE TWO, IT'S A DOOZY. I THINK. I CAN'T REMEMBER. I JUST WANT ALL THE SHINY SHINIES.

He holds up a disco ball. A woman wearing a crown and shiny jewelry walks by

Baby Mr. Big’s eyes widen. He says OH, OH!

The scene changes to Becky and Bob eating pretzels on Mr. Newman’s large red couch

Becky says HEY, BOB, TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS. I'M GONNA GO CHECK ON REX. OKAY, I'M BACK. HA HA! I DIDN'T EVEN... 'COS HE'S A... OH, IT'S LIKE TAKING CANDY FROM A BABY.

On the TV a news reporter says CANDY FROM A BABY? HOW ABOUT A BABY WHO STEALS FROM YOU? POLICE HAVE WARNED CITIZENS TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THIS ADORABLE LITTLE PICKPOCKET TEAM.

A picture shows Baby Mr. Baby and Leslie in the park

News Reporter says JUST BE CAREFUL THEY DON'T STEAL YOUR HEART. PRECIOUS DETAILS AT FIVE.

Becky says WE COULD SOLVE THAT ONE IN A SNAP. [Bob squeaking]

Word Girl says YEAH, WHY NOT? WE'LL BE BACK IN NO TIME. REX, MIND IF WE LEAF YOU HERE ALL ALONE?

She laughs HA, HA, LEAF YOU HERE! I CRACK MYSELF UP. WORD UP!

The scene changes to the park. Leslie holds a giant diamond above Mr. Big

Baby Mr. Big says GIMME! GIMME!

Leslie says WHICH ONE? USE YOUR WORDS, SIR. SIR, WE PUT AWAY OUR TOYS BEFORE PICKING UP NEW ONES.

Baby Mr. Big says SPARKLY.

Word Girl and Huggy land in the park

Word Girl says OKAY, HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, Mr.... BABY? OH, LOOK, HUGGY, Mr. BIG'S A LITTLE TEENY BABY. OH, IS THAT THE CUTIE PATOOTIEST THING YOU EVER SAW?

Huggy and Word Girl look at Baby Mr. Big with wide eyes

Leslie pushes Baby Mr. Big away in his stroller

Once they’re gone Word Girl says WHOA, THAT WAS WEIRD. DID I ACTUALLY SAY 'PATOOTIEST'? I MEAN THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD. [Huggy squeaking]

Word Girl says OH, LET'S GO.

The fly off A moment later, they land in Mr. Big’s office. He sits, in adult form, behind his desk

Word Girl says WAIT, YOU'RE BIG.

Mr. Big says YEAH, THAT'S MY NAME, DON'T WEAR IT OUT.

Word Girl says NO, I MEAN, YOU WERE A BABY.

Mr. Big says OH, EVERYBODY WAS A BABY. THAT'S WHERE GROWN-UPS COME FROM.

Word Girl says OH, SO THIS ISN'T YOUR STROLLER AND DISCO BALL?

Leslie appears next to the stroller holding a disco ball

Mr. Big says OH, ER...

He shakes the rattle at Word Girl. She flies off. He shakes it again and hits Huggy

Huggy turns into a baby version of himself

They all say AWW!

Word Girl says WAIT, WAIT, NO,

Baby Huggy snatches the rattle from Mr. Big

Word Girl says NO, BABY HUGGY, GIVE IT TO WORD GIRL. GIVE IT TO WORD GIRL. COME ON!

Baby Huggy shakes the rattle and turns Word Girl into a baby

Leslie says DOUBLE AWW! [giggling]

Baby Huggy shakes the rattle again at Mr. Big. Baby Mr. Big grabs the rattle and runs away

Baby Word Girl says OH, COME ON, HUGGY.

Leslie says OH, I CAN'T TAKE IT!

Baby Word Girl stumbles into Baby Mr. Big. The rattle shakes in the air and zaps Leslie

Baby Leslie grabs the rattle. Baby Huggy grabs the other side

Baby Leslie exclaims says NO, STOP IT! NO!

Baby Word Girl puts Baby Leslie and Baby Mr. Big in the carriage

They cry until they fall asleep

Baby Huggy zaps Baby Word Girl. She turns to normal size. Word Girl takes the rattle and zaps Baby Huggy back to normal size

[Huggy squeaking]

Word Girl says OH, NO WONDER BABIES NAP ALL THE TIME. IT'S EXHAUSTING. AND ARE YOU AS THIRSTY AS I AM? I'M TOTALLY DEHYDRATED.

The Narrator says I KNOW WHO ELSE IS DEHYDRATED. AT Mr. NEWMAN'S HOUSE.

Word Girl says REX! WE NEVER WATERED HIM.

They fly off. A policeman and policewoman appear and look at the baby villains. They say AWWW!

The scene changes to Mr. Newman’s house. The leaves fall off of Rex

Becky gasps OH, MAYBE FALL JUST CAME EARLY THIS YEAR?

Bob pulls out a bucket of green paint and a paintbrush Becky says GREAT IDEA.

Mr. Newman appears inside the house with his surfboard. He stares at Becky and Bob. Bob hides the can of paint behind his back

A moment later says they are all sitting on the couch. Becky says AND I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS THE JOB WAS JUST SO EASY I NEVER TOOK IT SERIOUSLY ENOUGH, AND NOW HE'S COMPLETELY DEHYDRATED. AND BALD, AND I'M JUST SO SO SO SO SO SORRY.

Mr. Newman says ALL RIGHT, NO BIGGY.

Becky looks surprised and says NO WHAT?

Mr. Newman says THAT'S WHY THEY GIVE YOU EXTRA SEEDS. HE'LL BE GOOD AS NEW IN A FEW DAYS?

Becky says YOU'RE NOT MAD?

Mr. Newman says WELL, I'M NOT GONNA PAY YOU, BUT YOU'RE HONEST. I LIKE THAT. I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU TRIED TO PAINT HIM GREEN OR ANYTHING. HA HA!

Becky says HA, HA... NO.

The Narrator says AND SO IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO HYDRATE YOUR OWN CARPET WITH TEARS OF HELPLESS LAUGHTER...

Bob and Becky slowly back out of the room.

Mr. Newman says WHO WOULD DO THAT?

The Narrator says YOU DON'T NEED TO HIRE A PARTY CLOWN. JUST BE SURE TO WATCH THE NEXT GUT-BUSTING EPISODE OF "WORD GIRL." HA HA!

Mr. Newman sighs