Chuck E. Sneeze/Transcript

Transcript for Chuck E. Sneeze
Narrator: Just another carefree sunny afternoon in the park. Oops, wrong script! Sorry, here we go. Alas, life isn’t always one big bowl of cherries, even for a plucky little heroine like ours!

(Scene: The Botsford house. Becky is lying in bed, her nose and eyes red. Bob is handing her tissues with a pair of tongs.)

Becky: I can beat evil villains, why can’t I-- (sneezes) -- beat the common cold?!

Mr. Botsford: Time to get the patient all warm and toasty!

(He turns up the thermostat, and closes the bedroom window. Then he wheels in a television.)

Mr. Botsford: And here’s a special being-sick treat!

Becky: (sneezes) Thanks, Dad.

Mr. Botsford: Now, you have to stay in bed so you can avoid getting any sicker.

Becky: Trust me, I’m too sick to even think of moving!

(She grabs the remote, then closes her eyes. Bob operates it from her hand. A news broadcast come on from the bank, with Stu Brisket reporting.)

Stu Brisket: That’s right, Chad, I’m standing outside the bank, where inside a bank robbery is in progress as I speak! Oh where, oh where is WordGirl??

Becky: Oh… (sneezes) ...no.

(Scene: Inside the bank. Chuck is standing in front of a bank teller, pointing his condiment ray at him.)

Male Bank Teller: And you better not get any of that ketchup on my clothes! I’ll never get it out!

Chuck: Just fill up the bag, and there won’t be a problem! (whispers) By the way, soda water is really good for ketchup stains.

Male Bank Teller: You know, I hope you’re gonna spend some of this money on a new robbery bag. That one smells like salami!

Chuck: For your information, I’m gonna use the money to buy a state-of-the-art turbocharged salami slicing machine!

Male Bank Teller: Well aren’t we fancy?

(WordGirl comes through the door)

WordGirl: Party’s over, Chuck! (sneezes) Hand over the money.

Chuck: Never! I’d rather-- wait, uh, are-are you sick?

WordGirl: (In a stuffed-up voice) Just because I have a little cold doesn’t mean I still don’t have my-- superpowers! (sneezes into her cape)

Chuck: Forget your superpowers, I don’t want to get your cold! (Hides behind the teller’s desk) I hate getting sick! My mother makes me stay inside for a month and eat this icky soup! Hey, are you-- what’s the word, you know, when you give someone germs?

WordGirl: Contagious!

Chuck: Right! You’re not contagious, are you?

WordGirl: Uh, I’ll try-- to avoid-- getting you sick. (sneezes)

Chuck: Get away from me with your-- your-- your cold germs!

(He aims his condiment ray at her and fires ketchup, which she avoids. Then he fires mustard at Captain Huggy Face, but he catches it with a hot dog.)

WordGirl: (still congested and acting exhausted) C’mon, I’m taking you in. Ugh. Huggy, can I have a tissue please?

Chuck: You know, you should really go home and get into bed! Take it easy!

WordGirl: Yeah, yeah I will… just as soon as I… take you in. (coughs)

Chuck: I’m getting outta here! I don’t wanna get sick too.

(Chuck sneaks out the door as she continues coughing.)

Chuck: Get better! (takes off)

WordGirl: Errgh! Ah, come on!

Narrator: Later, at Ye Olde Fancy Schmancy Jewelry Shop, our evil villain continues his string of daring daylight robberies!

(Scene: The jewelry store. Chuck is holding his bag open, and Reginald is throwing jewels into it from over the counter.)

Reginald: Ugh! Sir, your silly sack reeks of salami!

Chuck: You don’t like the salami smell?

(WordGirl comes in sneezing. Huggy is wearing a mask over his mouth.)

Chuck: WordGirl, what are you doing here? You’re, um… what’s that word again? You know, when you can pass a cold from one person to another?

WordGirl: Contagious. (She pulls several tissues from a box Huggy is holding.)

Chuck: Right, contagious! (Sternly) You should be home in bed, not spreading your germs!

WordGirl: Oh, yeah? Well you should be home-- not out committing crimes! (sneezes)

Reginald: (sighs) Why don’t you both go home before I get YOUR cold and YOUR horrible salami smell?

WordGirl: Come on, Chuck! Let’s go.

Chuck: Never! (He fires a box of plastic wrap at WordGirl, but it ends up wrapping him, WordGirl and Huggy together.) Oh, I HATE when this happens! It’s so messy, and you end up wasting so much!

(WordGirl sneezes again, all over Chuck’s face.)

Chuck: Eww! Eww! (breaks free of the plastic wrap)

Reginald: Ugh! How revolting! And contagious! (sprays disinfectant) Germs, go away! Be gone!

Chuck: You sneezed all over me! Now I’m gonna be sick! And I was hoping to, um, you know, when you don’t want to catch something, what’s the word?

WordGirl: Avoid. Meaning to keep away from or not get.

Chuck: Yeah! I wanted to avoid getting sick, and now I’ve got your germs!

WordGirl: I said I was sorry! You shouldn’t have-- (sneezes again, and Chuck runs off. Reginald brings over a handkerchief.)

Reginald: Ugh. Here, use this. And have it laundered.

(Scene: Back in Chuck’s basement lair. Chuck is counting money.)

Chuck: ...eight, nine… ten thousand! I got it! I’ve finally stolen enough to get the turbocharged super salami slicer-- (sneezes) Oh, no! Don’t tell me--

(He picks up a nearby sandwich and tastes it.)

Chuck: Hey, I can’t taste anything! Nooo! I AM sick! Why does everything always happen to me? I WON’T suffer alone! If I can’t enjoy a deli sandwich on rye with extra pickles, NO ONE can! I’m gonna steal the greatest pleasure in life-- eating sandwiches! Okay, now where’d I leave my evil villain gadgets? (searches around) Catalog… here it is! “The Super Duper Sonic Boom Sneezer Super-loud sonic boom sound waves can drown out a marching band and send people flying hundreds of feet! Your neighbors will hate you or your money back.” How much is it? Whoa! That’s a little pricey! Well, the salami slicer will have to wait! (sneezes)

Chuck’s Mother: (from upstairs) Chucky! Did you just sneeze?

Chuck: No ma, it was-- (to himself) think of something Chuck, think think… (to his mom) a-- a train! On TV! (coughs)

Chuck’s Mother: Was that a cough? Are you sick??

Chuck: I’m fine, ma. I-- I promise! (to himself) Ooh-- I gotta get out of here! (coughs quietly) Before she makes her soup!

(Scene: Back at the Botsford house. Becky is in bed, and her dad is sitting at her bedside reading to her from a story book.)

Mr. Botsford: ...and then the wicked witch cackled-- did what?

Becky: Cackled. I means-- you know, a mean-spirited laugh!

Mr. Botsford: Right. Hey, let me give you some more blankets!

Becky: Dad, I don’t need any more blankets! It’s 90 degrees in here, it’s sweltering!

Mr. Botsford: That’s it? I’d better turn up the heat!

Becky: Ooh--

(An announcer comes on the television.)

Announcer: We interrupt this program with a special report.

Stu Brisket: As you can see behind me, there’s a man with a sandwich head and a giant plastic nose making a sonic boom so loud that hungry customers can’t order their lunches! Let’s watch.

Deli Clerk: Yes, may I help you?

Customer: Yeah, the let--

(Chuck activates the sonic nose, which makes a loud sneezing noise and knocks the customer over.)

Deli Clerk: I’m sorry, what did you say?

Customer: Give me a number--

(The nose goes off again, blowing both the customer and the clerk away.)

Stu Brisket: Doesn’t THAT beat everything? Tell me, mister, um-- what’s your name?

Chuck: Chuck-- (coughs) --the Evil Sandwich-Making Guy.

Stu Brisket: (laughs) Really?

Chuck: Hey!

Stu Brisket: Sorry. So, I see you’re making it impossible for anyone to order a sandwich. Any particular reason for this unparalleled treachery?

Chuck: Yes! My cold is so bad that it’s wrecked my taste buds! And if I can’t taste a deli sandwich, then I don’t want anyone else to either!

Stu Brisket: (sarcastically) Well, that’s mature.

Becky: (quietly) Bob, we have to get out of here and stop him!

(Her dad comes over, sweat coming from his brow.)

Mr. Botsford: Now honey, what can I do for you? Hey, how about some movie magazines?

Becky: Uh, actually Dad, I need some things from the store! (Bob hands him a list.)

Mr. Botsford: Hmm… Chicken soup scented bubble bath, ancient Tryptophanian mouthwash, talking thermometer-- why honey, it’s gonna take me forever to find all these things! (Becky smiles at him.) Well, I guess I’d better get started! After I change into some dry clothes. Your mother’s downstairs if you need anything.

Becky: Got to-- pull it-- together.and stop Chuck… Word (coughs) up. (transforms)

Narrator: Back at the local grocery, Chuck the Evil Sandwich-Making Guy continues his unusual in-store promotion.

Chuck: Attention grocery store shoppers! At the deli counter today, we have an ear-splitting sonic boom! (He sets it off, and sneezes at the same time.)

Manager: Kid, I like your style! I couldn’t buy all this free publicity! Plus, you’ve increased earplug sales 120 percent! You’re hired!

Chuck: But I don’t wanna work! I just want-- um, what’s the word, where you want to get even?

(WordGirl arrives.)

WordGirl: The word is revenge!

Chuck: WordGirl! What are you doing here? You’re sick, you should be home in bed! A little chicken soup…

Manager: We have chicken soup on sale on aisle eight!

WordGirl: Thanks. I’m here to stop you from causing a public disturbance!

Chuck: You started it! (coughs) If you hadn’t given me your contagious cold, I wouldn’t be sick (coughs) and wouldn’t have to stop other people from enjoying their sandwiches!

WordGirl: You could’ve avoided getting my cold by simply--

Manager: By using hand sanitizer! Aisle two!

WordGirl: Actually Chuck, you could have avoided (sneezes) my cold by not committing any crimes!

Chuck: Yeah, I guess that’s true… Oh! But then, how else could I afford the turbocharged salami slicer, huh, Miss Smartypants?

Manager: By working for me!

Chuck: Now I don’t even have enough money for that, because I spent all my money on this giant (sneezes) nose machine! (fires it off again)

WordGirl: Couldn’t you find a less expensive nose machine? One that’s a little smaller? This one is so big! (sneezes) It’s obviously designed to disturb much bigger places, like a concert hall!

Chuck: But they hardly ever serve sandwiches at Mozart concerts. A deli is the best place to find people who want to eat sandwiches.

WordGirl: Look-- we’re both too sick to fight (coughs) right now. So let’s just make it easy and go to the police station.

Chuck: NEVER! (coughs, and accidentally sprays mustard onto his own face)

WordGirl: (starts to do a karate-type move) Hiiii- Ya! (goes into a coughing fit)  Take-- (sneezes)

Chuck: Oh, yeah? Take THIS--

(Chuck sneezes and squirts condiments on both sides of him. WordGirl sneezes, and Chuck holds up a box of tissues.)

Chuck: Tissue?

WordGirl: Thanks.

Chuck: You’re welcome. (He wipes the mustard off of his face.)

(Huggy makes a noise, and Chucks looks over. He is standing next to a machine.)

Chuck: Holy cow! It’s a brand-new turbocharged salami slicer! You’re even shinier in person. And your blades-- they’re so sharp! And look, you even have a compartment for-- salami scraps!

(As Chuck examines the salami slicer, a barred door closes in front of him.)

Chuck: Hey, what’s with the bars?

WordGirl: Those bars belong to the paddy wagon that you just walked into! Huggy ordered it, and backed into the grocery store’s delivery door. Nice work, Huggy!

Chuck: Paddy wagon? But you can’t send me to jail! They have all those inmates there with all those germs! And you have to share sinks! And then I’ll never get over this cold!

WordGirl: Relax! You’re going home. You’re being released into the custody of your mother, and you’ll be under house arrest for six months!

Chuck: House arrest?! Wait! My mother knows about this? Oh, I’d rather share a dirty sink! She’s gonna make me eat that soup! Oh, wait till she sees I went outside without a sweater--oh no...

(The paddy wagon drives away.)

Stu Brisket: And so, another sinister plot foiled, thanks to the work of WordGirl and Captain Huggy Face!

WordGirl: It was nothing! (She feels a sneeze coming on) Not again! Ah-CHOOO! (Everyone steps back.)

Manager: Cold remedies on aisle four!

(Scene: back at Chuck’s Mom’s house. She is stirring a huge pot of chicken soup, while Chuck is in bed with an ice pack on his head and covered in a blanket. Chuck coughs with a thermometer in his mouth.)

Chuck’s Mother: Mommy’s gonna take good of you while you’re under house arrest. I made a whole batch of chicken gizzard soup!

Chuck: Oooh… (sneezes)

Chuck’s Mother: I know how much you love that, little Chuckie-poo!

Narrator: Well, guess there’s no way for Chuck the Evil Sandwich-Making Guy to avoid that soup!

(Scene cuts back to Becky’s bedroom, where she and Bob are lying down, and he has obviously caught her cold as well. They both have ice packs on their heads.)

Narrator: (in a nasal tone) Tune in next week, for another exciting episode of-- a-choo! -- WordGirl! Anybody got a tissue?